My kinda rock

My kinda rock
Why not try? Doesn't hurt.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The all clear.

So yesterday afternoon, during my after school applied maths class, yes I am just THAT cool, I was called by the office. It turns out that the principal wanted to talk to me. Strange? Not really, I had already had a run in with my vice-principal saying she wanted to talk to me. Anyways so I went in and sat down and she started talking to me about the student council stuff which is boring and results in me having to talk to the music teacher Friday, make an announcement in assembly on Monday and hold a meeting on Tuesday. Like I said, boring. After we had finished we that the topic of my whole hair plan was brought up. She asked about when I'm thinking about doing it and such. So after about 5 minutes she gave me the all clear to go ahead and that it's a very worth while cause, she has apparently talked to a few people on the subject.

So yeah...I'm taking an entire assembly by my self tomorrow week to explain to them all how it's going to work. Basically I'm cutting off my hair at Easter to donate it. I'm also getting people to sponsor me to dye my hair, sponsor me for €5 or more and you get a vote on what colour I dye it. It can also be stripes of different colours or what ever. So if you'd like me to dye my hair in the Hogwarts house colours I will do so, or if you prefer electric blue or so on. More on that later anyways! So much work to do in such a short time! Oh an €1 more in the pot, that's a total of €20 now I think. Well I must be off, sponsorship sheets to organise.
Toodle-pip!

The Straight Talker

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The future

I am afraid of the future. That much I know, I sat down yesterday to write this blog, thinking it would be easy, turns out it wasn't. It is so uncertain, so much could happen between now and then. So much can happen in such a short time. It always makes me think about what I want to do with my life. I've been thinking I'll take a gap year after university. During that year I'd like to do an internship at a charity, preferably Sea Change Foundation but I doubt that will happen. At the same time I'd also like to start university already and not wait around anymore. Life is confusing. I do want to do this internship, whether it's before or after I'm in university is still up to decide. The main thing I want out of life is to be able to say that I made other people happy. I'm not sure you believe me. Most people would be a little skeptical when I say that. This isn't the last you'll here from me. This blog is just the beginning. I have no clue where I'll be in the future, it's scary for me but I don't mind that much. Well I'ma go meet the future head on right now.

The Straight Talker

Monday, March 21, 2011

Fat

I am, and have been for a long time. When I was little my legs were tubular sausages and my feet pudged out from underneath. Looking back I was quite a silly looking kid, my parents always called me chubby cheeks. My dad is a big junk food eater, he also smoked as I was growing up. I skipped a lot of things as a kid, I only crawled backwards, I hated being fed, I wouldn't go to bed till my parents did. I also would only eat full adult portions. From the age of five I was eating full three course adult meals. Like my dad I started to snack, eating sweets, I never really stopped. Over the years I never really stopped eating. I ate a lot. I over ate, I kept doing so for a few years. In 2nd year I developed a stomach ulcer and the specialist I was sent to see was told me it might due to the fact that I was overweight. I've been teased about my weight a lot and it does make me insecure. During 3rd year I skipped lunch everyday and hardly ate breakfast. I occasionally find my self slipping up again, forgetting to eat for an entire day till my mum asks. I also have a habit of over eating other days. I'm quite the emotional eater. I don't want to develop an eating disorder but at times society makes me think it's the only way I can be pretty. I'm not going to let this get the better of me though. I will not starve myself to be skinny to make other people happy but I do realise that I need to lose weight. My main motivation? Seeing the look on the faces of every one who picked on me for being overweight. I'm quiting debating...kind of a sad thing for me as it brought me close to a few girls in my school. It's fine, I'm not too sure how much I'll miss it. I'm joining athletics instead. I also plan on going jogging during lunch or after school. I can't wait to not have people lie when then say I'm not fat. Just you wait, I'll do this, I will beat the temptations society is shoving down my throat. Goodbye fat, hello me.

The Straight Talker

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Experience

Well I was going to talk about MUN but that's going to have to wait again. See last night something happened to me that brought me back to where I was two years ago. I'm going to have to explain that in 3rd year I was going through a really bad time in my life. I skipped lunch everyday to spend the time alone in the classroom crying. I stayed in week after week. I spent most of my time online, and this was before I had facebook. Any way I did things I'm not proud of. I came out of it feeling used and disgusted with myself, my parents lost their respect for me and well I tumbled deeper into despair and depression. I felt alone and I couldn't trust anyone anymore. I started taking double the amount of sleeping pills I was supposed to just to get to sleep. I'd dose myself on painkillers during the day when things got worse. I almost became addicted to them. I just wasn't me anymore because someone had used me. Before that I was mainly naive. My trust had been broken before but this time it made me feel used and unclean.

Two years on and I'm not completely over it because just a one sentence email asking how I was brought me cowering in a shaking, crying, ball of nerves. We all find it hard to get over certain things, like I said before I can still hear that boy calling me a beached up whale. This is just one of the things that will take me a while to get over.

Anyway recently some one made me do something I didn't want to. They were drunk but this time it doesn't change that much for me. They made me uncomfortable and forced me into something I didn't want even after telling them to stop, pushing them away and turning around. I couldn't say no...I couldn't stop what was happening to me. I could leave the room even though it was just the two of us. I was used again. This time by someone I have to see more often than I'd like. Tonight, for me, is a very bad night. My skin is crawling and my eyes brimming with tears. I don't want to let this experience get the better of me but here I am. It's getting harder to keep my grip on reality, to keep believing in humanity. One of the people I trust most in this world just said something really sweet and wonderful but because of this...right now I can't trust them. It's killing me inside. I'm losing who I am right now.

I know that I'll get through this though because I won't let them win, I won't let this drag me back down into depression. I'm going to get through this. It will take a long time, and patience from the people who put up with me daily. I don't like losing, so I won't. Experiences can be either good or bad. I'll try focus on the good next time I tell you about my life. I just needed to get this off my chest. Sorry for my ramble.

The Straight Talker

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears
And so you fight to keep from pouring out
But what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul
Do you think that there's enough that you would drown?

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

No one can tell you where you alone must go
There's no telling what you will find there
And, God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones
Screaming every step, "Just stay here"
If no one will listen
If you decide to speak

If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still


If you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down
If your legs have given out under the weight
If you find you've been settling for a world of gray
So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate


If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still


If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still
I will be here still
Remember that no matter how bad the day, there is always gonna be someone there for you. If you can't think of anyone off hand, then I promise that I'LL be there for you.
Keep shining and keep smiling. And remember to be the change you want to see in the world.
Today, I'm going to be... Sunshine (:
Peace out, Er-Bear Rawrr x 

MUN and Japan

I've missed another update and I'm going to count this as tomorrow's post so that means I owe another €2 to charity. Japan would probably seem to be the most obvious place to donate the money to. As I posted before I was away at an MUN conference for the weekend. It was really strange leaving Ireland with everything being fine. However when we arrived at the hotel sky news informed us of the Japanese earthquake. It was shocking the rate at which things changed after that. At first the death tole was 34 from the earthquake and around 100 reported missing after the tsunami first hit. The main footage they showed was of the oil refinery fire.

The next morning before heading out the were going to release the nuclear steam. We were in the taxi for about 10 minutes and when we arrived at the school we were greeted by the news of the first explosion at the plant. The news kept unfolding as such.

It's horrifying to think what is happening to all those families. I know someone who lives in Japan. I haven't talked to her in 6 years but for some reason that doesn't make me worry any less. Her name is Ana and I went to school with her when I lived in England. She moved back over to Japan just before I moved back over here. I will worry about all the families and everyone who has lost someone. I should be thankful that it's not my family but for some reason I'm not. Just because I didn't lose a brother, a mother, a sister, a father, a friend, doesn't mean that someone out there isn't hurting. I know it's inevitable that we all die but I still grieve for those who have gone.

I know it's strange that I'm this shocked and upset over something that doesn't effect me personally but, to be honest, I've always been like this. I can't make it all better, which is slightly disappointing. What I can do is raise all the money I can to help the people in Japan. In Ireland we are lucky to be in one of the safest places for earthquakes. We don't have to worry. This doesn't take away from the fact that there are people out there suffering just because of plates moving, something we can't control.

I have so much more I'd like to tell you after the ever eye opening experience of MUN but now is not the time and this post grows so very long. I'll leave this post alone now.

The Straight Talker

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Going away

Well I'm off to Edinburgh in a few hours. Yes it's exciting, I'm going with school to an MUN conference. MUN is Model United Nations. I'm on the Environment committee this time. For the first time in all the 8 conferences I've been to I finally wrote a resolution. I'm not sure how things will go and I'm so nervous I'm slightly dizzy. I love MUN because the topics are so fascinating and it really helps get teenagers involved and interacting with the issues we will be forced to deal with in these years to come. Well I'm leaving the house at 3 so I have 4 hours to finish packing, write this and sleep if possible.

I'll write a longer post when I get back but I do have one thing left to mention, lent. For lent I have given up 3 separate things. So for each time I break lent I'm going to put 50 cent in the pot. Thing is I will break these, a lot, I already broke one today.

Well I must go finish packing now.
The Straight Talker

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Memories.

Well this morning I couldn't stand or bare another morning of talks on bullying. Every time the teacher tries to explain the different types of bullying I think back to when it happened to me. I can hear his voice in my head telling me that I'm a "beached up whale". I can feel them punching and slapping my arms to see the bruises minutes later. I remember the way they turned all my friends against me and made me a laughing stock at the same time. I remember the way he'd slap my ass till it was read raw and would grab my boobs. I remember him making comments to his friends about how I was easy and I was asking for it. I remember slapping him in the face twice and then apologising. I remember saying that I forgave him and them. I didn't really. I just said I did.

I can't let him know how he broke me. That he's the main reason I hate myself. That because of him I call you a liar. That it's hard to trust you. That I did what I did to cope. That I hate it when you call me beautiful or smart or amazing. I know he may not have done much but nearly 4 years on I still remember it like yesterday.

I'm not as strong or as happy as you think I am. I started this blog in mind of helping, maybe possibly changing something. Now that I think about it I doubt I can. I'm just one person trying to forget my past. Er-bear is amazing and certainly stronger than I am. Kobold1 is smarter and more realistic than I. So I'm just the dreamer so it seems my name is quite ironic.

Yet if I do get over this whole insecure self-hating thing you'll be some of the first to know. Till then, if you continue to read this that is, you'll put up with my rambling and maybe a few plans. I do have plans for this and they shall come in time.

As for now I owe €17 to some charity. Feel free to suggest one if you like, if not I'll chose one myself.

Talk spoon.
The Straight Talker

Monday, March 7, 2011

Friendship week

This week in my school is friendship week, it's to discourage bullying and to encourage an open, healthy environment. I'm the student council chair so I'm supposed to bring ideas of activities to the table, to help lead the students by example. To be honest it's pressure that I don't particularly want or need. Every morning for the first class we're having form time to discuss issues to do with bullying and how to deal with it. My only problem is it's bringing back all those words and bruises I left behind. Now I'm left cowering in memory of the way I was once treated, the way I was broken down. How am I supposed to lead a group of teenage girls towards a more caring life style when being perfectly honest, I have trust issues. Words can haunt people, leave them broken and beaten. Whether we give up or not is what matters though. I know this week is going to be hard for me but I have two or three people who will help get me through this.

On the upside we get to make friendship bracelets all week.

I'll have the total of how much I owe (must be close to €15) up on the next blog post.

The Straight Talker