I return from the brink

So I'm on my summer holidays with my blue hair. I haven't been the best lately, I broke a promise to someone I love dearly and it's killing me because they don't know. I can't tell them because it'll hurt even more if they knew. I've been feeling really self conscious lately and been having problems yada yada yada... Any way I raised over £600 for the hair dying thing which is pretty awesome. My blue hair is now green-y. But anyway I found this text I send some one and it kinda explains what I don't want to go back to. So here is what I'm trying to avoid:

I was anorexic for a year. The only reason I seem confident about my weight is that years of bullying has made me able to hide it. It hurts any time anyone says I'm beautiful because I just expect them to laugh. I am covered in scars and stretch marks. I'm not beautiful. I am on the verge of not eating again. I'm ashamed that it makes me feel like throwing up when someone compliments the way I look. I'm embarrassed because people think I'm something I'm not. It's already hard enough to do and wear what I want. I am not comfortable in my skin. I am not beautiful.

Unfortunately it seems that I'm heading back that way. Things will be better when summer starts properly. We'll see how it goes but for now I am currently content. 

This why I disappear

I am sorry readers for my prolonged absence... I haven't been in the best of shapes mentally recently. My life has always been easy enough, I get on well with people, I don't have a life changing illness and I have a family who care for me. I've always been told that I'm smart, I have a high IQ and I attended CTYI. So simply life has been good enough. I had a experience a few years ago while riding a bike. If I hadn't been wearing a helmet I would have died or been severly brain damaged. All I have to show for this accident is the scars that cover my waist and the one on my nose. These days I find myself thinking about that accident alot... I've been wishing that I had died then before any of this could have happened. Before Paul or senior school, before Padraig, before who I am now... I'm falling again and I don't want to stop. For now this is going to be my last post. I need to sort myself out before continuing doing this. Sorry if I'm letting you down but I can't keep this up for much longer. I'm not as strong or as happy as I look. Someday I will be but today I need to get away from everything. I'll continue adding money to the pot during this next absence. I'll be back soon, hopefully.
So goodbye for now
The Straight Talker

Hair related-ish ramble

I'm starting to care less...which is, to say the least, a little bit worrying. My assembly on the whole raising money thing is on Monday and I've only just started the presentation, I have no clue what I'm going to say or do, I haven't sorted out the music situation and I'm starting to care less about it all. Not good... So yes I'm worrying a little and I'm stressed more than I should be over something I'm caring less about. I've been planning this for almost 2 years... This has been a major part of my life and motivator for a while. People, however, are just bringing me down. It's not fun to feel like what I'm doing makes no difference, which is basically what they're saying. They always try to prove me wrong and tell me why it won't work. It's great to see how much confidence they have in me. I don't think they understand what they're doing. There are a few people who are keeping me going through with this but I still just don't seem to care, it's driving me crazy. Right now I should be super excited and finishing off my power point and fill in these posters I have and some forms for something or other that were supposed to be in yesterday. To be honest I just don't care and I just don't know how to tell anyone that... So here I am telling you because you don't judge me or lecture me or call me insane, it's nice to be able to escape this feeling. I will get back to work when I'm done this and soon it'll all be over and we'll be able to see who was right. I just really hope it wasn't me...

Sorry, just needed to get it off my chest. I'll update later with actual information on the whole hair thing. Anyways I owe €24 to charity from the pot.

Not sure what else to say so I'll stop here.
The Straight Talker

The all clear.

So yesterday afternoon, during my after school applied maths class, yes I am just THAT cool, I was called by the office. It turns out that the principal wanted to talk to me. Strange? Not really, I had already had a run in with my vice-principal saying she wanted to talk to me. Anyways so I went in and sat down and she started talking to me about the student council stuff which is boring and results in me having to talk to the music teacher Friday, make an announcement in assembly on Monday and hold a meeting on Tuesday. Like I said, boring. After we had finished we that the topic of my whole hair plan was brought up. She asked about when I'm thinking about doing it and such. So after about 5 minutes she gave me the all clear to go ahead and that it's a very worth while cause, she has apparently talked to a few people on the subject.

So yeah...I'm taking an entire assembly by my self tomorrow week to explain to them all how it's going to work. Basically I'm cutting off my hair at Easter to donate it. I'm also getting people to sponsor me to dye my hair, sponsor me for €5 or more and you get a vote on what colour I dye it. It can also be stripes of different colours or what ever. So if you'd like me to dye my hair in the Hogwarts house colours I will do so, or if you prefer electric blue or so on. More on that later anyways! So much work to do in such a short time! Oh an €1 more in the pot, that's a total of €20 now I think. Well I must be off, sponsorship sheets to organise.
Toodle-pip!

The Straight Talker

The future

I am afraid of the future. That much I know, I sat down yesterday to write this blog, thinking it would be easy, turns out it wasn't. It is so uncertain, so much could happen between now and then. So much can happen in such a short time. It always makes me think about what I want to do with my life. I've been thinking I'll take a gap year after university. During that year I'd like to do an internship at a charity, preferably Sea Change Foundation but I doubt that will happen. At the same time I'd also like to start university already and not wait around anymore. Life is confusing. I do want to do this internship, whether it's before or after I'm in university is still up to decide. The main thing I want out of life is to be able to say that I made other people happy. I'm not sure you believe me. Most people would be a little skeptical when I say that. This isn't the last you'll here from me. This blog is just the beginning. I have no clue where I'll be in the future, it's scary for me but I don't mind that much. Well I'ma go meet the future head on right now.

The Straight Talker

Fat

I am, and have been for a long time. When I was little my legs were tubular sausages and my feet pudged out from underneath. Looking back I was quite a silly looking kid, my parents always called me chubby cheeks. My dad is a big junk food eater, he also smoked as I was growing up. I skipped a lot of things as a kid, I only crawled backwards, I hated being fed, I wouldn't go to bed till my parents did. I also would only eat full adult portions. From the age of five I was eating full three course adult meals. Like my dad I started to snack, eating sweets, I never really stopped. Over the years I never really stopped eating. I ate a lot. I over ate, I kept doing so for a few years. In 2nd year I developed a stomach ulcer and the specialist I was sent to see was told me it might due to the fact that I was overweight. I've been teased about my weight a lot and it does make me insecure. During 3rd year I skipped lunch everyday and hardly ate breakfast. I occasionally find my self slipping up again, forgetting to eat for an entire day till my mum asks. I also have a habit of over eating other days. I'm quite the emotional eater. I don't want to develop an eating disorder but at times society makes me think it's the only way I can be pretty. I'm not going to let this get the better of me though. I will not starve myself to be skinny to make other people happy but I do realise that I need to lose weight. My main motivation? Seeing the look on the faces of every one who picked on me for being overweight. I'm quiting debating...kind of a sad thing for me as it brought me close to a few girls in my school. It's fine, I'm not too sure how much I'll miss it. I'm joining athletics instead. I also plan on going jogging during lunch or after school. I can't wait to not have people lie when then say I'm not fat. Just you wait, I'll do this, I will beat the temptations society is shoving down my throat. Goodbye fat, hello me.

The Straight Talker

Experience

Well I was going to talk about MUN but that's going to have to wait again. See last night something happened to me that brought me back to where I was two years ago. I'm going to have to explain that in 3rd year I was going through a really bad time in my life. I skipped lunch everyday to spend the time alone in the classroom crying. I stayed in week after week. I spent most of my time online, and this was before I had facebook. Any way I did things I'm not proud of. I came out of it feeling used and disgusted with myself, my parents lost their respect for me and well I tumbled deeper into despair and depression. I felt alone and I couldn't trust anyone anymore. I started taking double the amount of sleeping pills I was supposed to just to get to sleep. I'd dose myself on painkillers during the day when things got worse. I almost became addicted to them. I just wasn't me anymore because someone had used me. Before that I was mainly naive. My trust had been broken before but this time it made me feel used and unclean.

Two years on and I'm not completely over it because just a one sentence email asking how I was brought me cowering in a shaking, crying, ball of nerves. We all find it hard to get over certain things, like I said before I can still hear that boy calling me a beached up whale. This is just one of the things that will take me a while to get over.

Anyway recently some one made me do something I didn't want to. They were drunk but this time it doesn't change that much for me. They made me uncomfortable and forced me into something I didn't want even after telling them to stop, pushing them away and turning around. I couldn't say no...I couldn't stop what was happening to me. I could leave the room even though it was just the two of us. I was used again. This time by someone I have to see more often than I'd like. Tonight, for me, is a very bad night. My skin is crawling and my eyes brimming with tears. I don't want to let this experience get the better of me but here I am. It's getting harder to keep my grip on reality, to keep believing in humanity. One of the people I trust most in this world just said something really sweet and wonderful but because of this...right now I can't trust them. It's killing me inside. I'm losing who I am right now.

I know that I'll get through this though because I won't let them win, I won't let this drag me back down into depression. I'm going to get through this. It will take a long time, and patience from the people who put up with me daily. I don't like losing, so I won't. Experiences can be either good or bad. I'll try focus on the good next time I tell you about my life. I just needed to get this off my chest. Sorry for my ramble.

The Straight Talker