Hair related-ish ramble

I'm starting to care less...which is, to say the least, a little bit worrying. My assembly on the whole raising money thing is on Monday and I've only just started the presentation, I have no clue what I'm going to say or do, I haven't sorted out the music situation and I'm starting to care less about it all. Not good... So yes I'm worrying a little and I'm stressed more than I should be over something I'm caring less about. I've been planning this for almost 2 years... This has been a major part of my life and motivator for a while. People, however, are just bringing me down. It's not fun to feel like what I'm doing makes no difference, which is basically what they're saying. They always try to prove me wrong and tell me why it won't work. It's great to see how much confidence they have in me. I don't think they understand what they're doing. There are a few people who are keeping me going through with this but I still just don't seem to care, it's driving me crazy. Right now I should be super excited and finishing off my power point and fill in these posters I have and some forms for something or other that were supposed to be in yesterday. To be honest I just don't care and I just don't know how to tell anyone that... So here I am telling you because you don't judge me or lecture me or call me insane, it's nice to be able to escape this feeling. I will get back to work when I'm done this and soon it'll all be over and we'll be able to see who was right. I just really hope it wasn't me...

Sorry, just needed to get it off my chest. I'll update later with actual information on the whole hair thing. Anyways I owe €24 to charity from the pot.

Not sure what else to say so I'll stop here.
The Straight Talker

Fat

I am, and have been for a long time. When I was little my legs were tubular sausages and my feet pudged out from underneath. Looking back I was quite a silly looking kid, my parents always called me chubby cheeks. My dad is a big junk food eater, he also smoked as I was growing up. I skipped a lot of things as a kid, I only crawled backwards, I hated being fed, I wouldn't go to bed till my parents did. I also would only eat full adult portions. From the age of five I was eating full three course adult meals. Like my dad I started to snack, eating sweets, I never really stopped. Over the years I never really stopped eating. I ate a lot. I over ate, I kept doing so for a few years. In 2nd year I developed a stomach ulcer and the specialist I was sent to see was told me it might due to the fact that I was overweight. I've been teased about my weight a lot and it does make me insecure. During 3rd year I skipped lunch everyday and hardly ate breakfast. I occasionally find my self slipping up again, forgetting to eat for an entire day till my mum asks. I also have a habit of over eating other days. I'm quite the emotional eater. I don't want to develop an eating disorder but at times society makes me think it's the only way I can be pretty. I'm not going to let this get the better of me though. I will not starve myself to be skinny to make other people happy but I do realise that I need to lose weight. My main motivation? Seeing the look on the faces of every one who picked on me for being overweight. I'm quiting debating...kind of a sad thing for me as it brought me close to a few girls in my school. It's fine, I'm not too sure how much I'll miss it. I'm joining athletics instead. I also plan on going jogging during lunch or after school. I can't wait to not have people lie when then say I'm not fat. Just you wait, I'll do this, I will beat the temptations society is shoving down my throat. Goodbye fat, hello me.

The Straight Talker

Experience

Well I was going to talk about MUN but that's going to have to wait again. See last night something happened to me that brought me back to where I was two years ago. I'm going to have to explain that in 3rd year I was going through a really bad time in my life. I skipped lunch everyday to spend the time alone in the classroom crying. I stayed in week after week. I spent most of my time online, and this was before I had facebook. Any way I did things I'm not proud of. I came out of it feeling used and disgusted with myself, my parents lost their respect for me and well I tumbled deeper into despair and depression. I felt alone and I couldn't trust anyone anymore. I started taking double the amount of sleeping pills I was supposed to just to get to sleep. I'd dose myself on painkillers during the day when things got worse. I almost became addicted to them. I just wasn't me anymore because someone had used me. Before that I was mainly naive. My trust had been broken before but this time it made me feel used and unclean.

Two years on and I'm not completely over it because just a one sentence email asking how I was brought me cowering in a shaking, crying, ball of nerves. We all find it hard to get over certain things, like I said before I can still hear that boy calling me a beached up whale. This is just one of the things that will take me a while to get over.

Anyway recently some one made me do something I didn't want to. They were drunk but this time it doesn't change that much for me. They made me uncomfortable and forced me into something I didn't want even after telling them to stop, pushing them away and turning around. I couldn't say no...I couldn't stop what was happening to me. I could leave the room even though it was just the two of us. I was used again. This time by someone I have to see more often than I'd like. Tonight, for me, is a very bad night. My skin is crawling and my eyes brimming with tears. I don't want to let this experience get the better of me but here I am. It's getting harder to keep my grip on reality, to keep believing in humanity. One of the people I trust most in this world just said something really sweet and wonderful but because of this...right now I can't trust them. It's killing me inside. I'm losing who I am right now.

I know that I'll get through this though because I won't let them win, I won't let this drag me back down into depression. I'm going to get through this. It will take a long time, and patience from the people who put up with me daily. I don't like losing, so I won't. Experiences can be either good or bad. I'll try focus on the good next time I tell you about my life. I just needed to get this off my chest. Sorry for my ramble.

The Straight Talker

Memories.

Well this morning I couldn't stand or bare another morning of talks on bullying. Every time the teacher tries to explain the different types of bullying I think back to when it happened to me. I can hear his voice in my head telling me that I'm a "beached up whale". I can feel them punching and slapping my arms to see the bruises minutes later. I remember the way they turned all my friends against me and made me a laughing stock at the same time. I remember the way he'd slap my ass till it was read raw and would grab my boobs. I remember him making comments to his friends about how I was easy and I was asking for it. I remember slapping him in the face twice and then apologising. I remember saying that I forgave him and them. I didn't really. I just said I did.

I can't let him know how he broke me. That he's the main reason I hate myself. That because of him I call you a liar. That it's hard to trust you. That I did what I did to cope. That I hate it when you call me beautiful or smart or amazing. I know he may not have done much but nearly 4 years on I still remember it like yesterday.

I'm not as strong or as happy as you think I am. I started this blog in mind of helping, maybe possibly changing something. Now that I think about it I doubt I can. I'm just one person trying to forget my past. Er-bear is amazing and certainly stronger than I am. Kobold1 is smarter and more realistic than I. So I'm just the dreamer so it seems my name is quite ironic.

Yet if I do get over this whole insecure self-hating thing you'll be some of the first to know. Till then, if you continue to read this that is, you'll put up with my rambling and maybe a few plans. I do have plans for this and they shall come in time.

As for now I owe €17 to some charity. Feel free to suggest one if you like, if not I'll chose one myself.

Talk spoon.
The Straight Talker

Friendship week

This week in my school is friendship week, it's to discourage bullying and to encourage an open, healthy environment. I'm the student council chair so I'm supposed to bring ideas of activities to the table, to help lead the students by example. To be honest it's pressure that I don't particularly want or need. Every morning for the first class we're having form time to discuss issues to do with bullying and how to deal with it. My only problem is it's bringing back all those words and bruises I left behind. Now I'm left cowering in memory of the way I was once treated, the way I was broken down. How am I supposed to lead a group of teenage girls towards a more caring life style when being perfectly honest, I have trust issues. Words can haunt people, leave them broken and beaten. Whether we give up or not is what matters though. I know this week is going to be hard for me but I have two or three people who will help get me through this.

On the upside we get to make friendship bracelets all week.

I'll have the total of how much I owe (must be close to €15) up on the next blog post.

The Straight Talker