Memories.

Well this morning I couldn't stand or bare another morning of talks on bullying. Every time the teacher tries to explain the different types of bullying I think back to when it happened to me. I can hear his voice in my head telling me that I'm a "beached up whale". I can feel them punching and slapping my arms to see the bruises minutes later. I remember the way they turned all my friends against me and made me a laughing stock at the same time. I remember the way he'd slap my ass till it was read raw and would grab my boobs. I remember him making comments to his friends about how I was easy and I was asking for it. I remember slapping him in the face twice and then apologising. I remember saying that I forgave him and them. I didn't really. I just said I did.

I can't let him know how he broke me. That he's the main reason I hate myself. That because of him I call you a liar. That it's hard to trust you. That I did what I did to cope. That I hate it when you call me beautiful or smart or amazing. I know he may not have done much but nearly 4 years on I still remember it like yesterday.

I'm not as strong or as happy as you think I am. I started this blog in mind of helping, maybe possibly changing something. Now that I think about it I doubt I can. I'm just one person trying to forget my past. Er-bear is amazing and certainly stronger than I am. Kobold1 is smarter and more realistic than I. So I'm just the dreamer so it seems my name is quite ironic.

Yet if I do get over this whole insecure self-hating thing you'll be some of the first to know. Till then, if you continue to read this that is, you'll put up with my rambling and maybe a few plans. I do have plans for this and they shall come in time.

As for now I owe €17 to some charity. Feel free to suggest one if you like, if not I'll chose one myself.

Talk spoon.
The Straight Talker