Well I was going to talk about MUN but that's going to have to wait again. See last night something happened to me that brought me back to where I was two years ago. I'm going to have to explain that in 3rd year I was going through a really bad time in my life. I skipped lunch everyday to spend the time alone in the classroom crying. I stayed in week after week. I spent most of my time online, and this was before I had facebook. Any way I did things I'm not proud of. I came out of it feeling used and disgusted with myself, my parents lost their respect for me and well I tumbled deeper into despair and depression. I felt alone and I couldn't trust anyone anymore. I started taking double the amount of sleeping pills I was supposed to just to get to sleep. I'd dose myself on painkillers during the day when things got worse. I almost became addicted to them. I just wasn't me anymore because someone had used me. Before that I was mainly naive. My trust had been broken before but this time it made me feel used and unclean.
Two years on and I'm not completely over it because just a one sentence email asking how I was brought me cowering in a shaking, crying, ball of nerves. We all find it hard to get over certain things, like I said before I can still hear that boy calling me a beached up whale. This is just one of the things that will take me a while to get over.
Anyway recently some one made me do something I didn't want to. They were drunk but this time it doesn't change that much for me. They made me uncomfortable and forced me into something I didn't want even after telling them to stop, pushing them away and turning around. I couldn't say no...I couldn't stop what was happening to me. I could leave the room even though it was just the two of us. I was used again. This time by someone I have to see more often than I'd like. Tonight, for me, is a very bad night. My skin is crawling and my eyes brimming with tears. I don't want to let this experience get the better of me but here I am. It's getting harder to keep my grip on reality, to keep believing in humanity. One of the people I trust most in this world just said something really sweet and wonderful but because of this...right now I can't trust them. It's killing me inside. I'm losing who I am right now.
I know that I'll get through this though because I won't let them win, I won't let this drag me back down into depression. I'm going to get through this. It will take a long time, and patience from the people who put up with me daily. I don't like losing, so I won't. Experiences can be either good or bad. I'll try focus on the good next time I tell you about my life. I just needed to get this off my chest. Sorry for my ramble.
The Straight Talker