My kinda rock

My kinda rock
Why not try? Doesn't hurt.

Monday, June 13, 2011

I return from the brink

So I'm on my summer holidays with my blue hair. I haven't been the best lately, I broke a promise to someone I love dearly and it's killing me because they don't know. I can't tell them because it'll hurt even more if they knew. I've been feeling really self conscious lately and been having problems yada yada yada... Any way I raised over £600 for the hair dying thing which is pretty awesome. My blue hair is now green-y. But anyway I found this text I send some one and it kinda explains what I don't want to go back to. So here is what I'm trying to avoid:

I was anorexic for a year. The only reason I seem confident about my weight is that years of bullying has made me able to hide it. It hurts any time anyone says I'm beautiful because I just expect them to laugh. I am covered in scars and stretch marks. I'm not beautiful. I am on the verge of not eating again. I'm ashamed that it makes me feel like throwing up when someone compliments the way I look. I'm embarrassed because people think I'm something I'm not. It's already hard enough to do and wear what I want. I am not comfortable in my skin. I am not beautiful.

Unfortunately it seems that I'm heading back that way. Things will be better when summer starts properly. We'll see how it goes but for now I am currently content. 

Saturday, April 23, 2011

This why I disappear

I am sorry readers for my prolonged absence... I haven't been in the best of shapes mentally recently. My life has always been easy enough, I get on well with people, I don't have a life changing illness and I have a family who care for me. I've always been told that I'm smart, I have a high IQ and I attended CTYI. So simply life has been good enough. I had a experience a few years ago while riding a bike. If I hadn't been wearing a helmet I would have died or been severly brain damaged. All I have to show for this accident is the scars that cover my waist and the one on my nose. These days I find myself thinking about that accident alot... I've been wishing that I had died then before any of this could have happened. Before Paul or senior school, before Padraig, before who I am now... I'm falling again and I don't want to stop. For now this is going to be my last post. I need to sort myself out before continuing doing this. Sorry if I'm letting you down but I can't keep this up for much longer. I'm not as strong or as happy as I look. Someday I will be but today I need to get away from everything. I'll continue adding money to the pot during this next absence. I'll be back soon, hopefully.
So goodbye for now
The Straight Talker

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Hair related-ish ramble

I'm starting to care less...which is, to say the least, a little bit worrying. My assembly on the whole raising money thing is on Monday and I've only just started the presentation, I have no clue what I'm going to say or do, I haven't sorted out the music situation and I'm starting to care less about it all. Not good... So yes I'm worrying a little and I'm stressed more than I should be over something I'm caring less about. I've been planning this for almost 2 years... This has been a major part of my life and motivator for a while. People, however, are just bringing me down. It's not fun to feel like what I'm doing makes no difference, which is basically what they're saying. They always try to prove me wrong and tell me why it won't work. It's great to see how much confidence they have in me. I don't think they understand what they're doing. There are a few people who are keeping me going through with this but I still just don't seem to care, it's driving me crazy. Right now I should be super excited and finishing off my power point and fill in these posters I have and some forms for something or other that were supposed to be in yesterday. To be honest I just don't care and I just don't know how to tell anyone that... So here I am telling you because you don't judge me or lecture me or call me insane, it's nice to be able to escape this feeling. I will get back to work when I'm done this and soon it'll all be over and we'll be able to see who was right. I just really hope it wasn't me...

Sorry, just needed to get it off my chest. I'll update later with actual information on the whole hair thing. Anyways I owe €24 to charity from the pot.

Not sure what else to say so I'll stop here.
The Straight Talker

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The all clear.

So yesterday afternoon, during my after school applied maths class, yes I am just THAT cool, I was called by the office. It turns out that the principal wanted to talk to me. Strange? Not really, I had already had a run in with my vice-principal saying she wanted to talk to me. Anyways so I went in and sat down and she started talking to me about the student council stuff which is boring and results in me having to talk to the music teacher Friday, make an announcement in assembly on Monday and hold a meeting on Tuesday. Like I said, boring. After we had finished we that the topic of my whole hair plan was brought up. She asked about when I'm thinking about doing it and such. So after about 5 minutes she gave me the all clear to go ahead and that it's a very worth while cause, she has apparently talked to a few people on the subject.

So yeah...I'm taking an entire assembly by my self tomorrow week to explain to them all how it's going to work. Basically I'm cutting off my hair at Easter to donate it. I'm also getting people to sponsor me to dye my hair, sponsor me for €5 or more and you get a vote on what colour I dye it. It can also be stripes of different colours or what ever. So if you'd like me to dye my hair in the Hogwarts house colours I will do so, or if you prefer electric blue or so on. More on that later anyways! So much work to do in such a short time! Oh an €1 more in the pot, that's a total of €20 now I think. Well I must be off, sponsorship sheets to organise.

The Straight Talker

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The future

I am afraid of the future. That much I know, I sat down yesterday to write this blog, thinking it would be easy, turns out it wasn't. It is so uncertain, so much could happen between now and then. So much can happen in such a short time. It always makes me think about what I want to do with my life. I've been thinking I'll take a gap year after university. During that year I'd like to do an internship at a charity, preferably Sea Change Foundation but I doubt that will happen. At the same time I'd also like to start university already and not wait around anymore. Life is confusing. I do want to do this internship, whether it's before or after I'm in university is still up to decide. The main thing I want out of life is to be able to say that I made other people happy. I'm not sure you believe me. Most people would be a little skeptical when I say that. This isn't the last you'll here from me. This blog is just the beginning. I have no clue where I'll be in the future, it's scary for me but I don't mind that much. Well I'ma go meet the future head on right now.

The Straight Talker

Monday, March 21, 2011


I am, and have been for a long time. When I was little my legs were tubular sausages and my feet pudged out from underneath. Looking back I was quite a silly looking kid, my parents always called me chubby cheeks. My dad is a big junk food eater, he also smoked as I was growing up. I skipped a lot of things as a kid, I only crawled backwards, I hated being fed, I wouldn't go to bed till my parents did. I also would only eat full adult portions. From the age of five I was eating full three course adult meals. Like my dad I started to snack, eating sweets, I never really stopped. Over the years I never really stopped eating. I ate a lot. I over ate, I kept doing so for a few years. In 2nd year I developed a stomach ulcer and the specialist I was sent to see was told me it might due to the fact that I was overweight. I've been teased about my weight a lot and it does make me insecure. During 3rd year I skipped lunch everyday and hardly ate breakfast. I occasionally find my self slipping up again, forgetting to eat for an entire day till my mum asks. I also have a habit of over eating other days. I'm quite the emotional eater. I don't want to develop an eating disorder but at times society makes me think it's the only way I can be pretty. I'm not going to let this get the better of me though. I will not starve myself to be skinny to make other people happy but I do realise that I need to lose weight. My main motivation? Seeing the look on the faces of every one who picked on me for being overweight. I'm quiting debating...kind of a sad thing for me as it brought me close to a few girls in my school. It's fine, I'm not too sure how much I'll miss it. I'm joining athletics instead. I also plan on going jogging during lunch or after school. I can't wait to not have people lie when then say I'm not fat. Just you wait, I'll do this, I will beat the temptations society is shoving down my throat. Goodbye fat, hello me.

The Straight Talker

Saturday, March 19, 2011


Well I was going to talk about MUN but that's going to have to wait again. See last night something happened to me that brought me back to where I was two years ago. I'm going to have to explain that in 3rd year I was going through a really bad time in my life. I skipped lunch everyday to spend the time alone in the classroom crying. I stayed in week after week. I spent most of my time online, and this was before I had facebook. Any way I did things I'm not proud of. I came out of it feeling used and disgusted with myself, my parents lost their respect for me and well I tumbled deeper into despair and depression. I felt alone and I couldn't trust anyone anymore. I started taking double the amount of sleeping pills I was supposed to just to get to sleep. I'd dose myself on painkillers during the day when things got worse. I almost became addicted to them. I just wasn't me anymore because someone had used me. Before that I was mainly naive. My trust had been broken before but this time it made me feel used and unclean.

Two years on and I'm not completely over it because just a one sentence email asking how I was brought me cowering in a shaking, crying, ball of nerves. We all find it hard to get over certain things, like I said before I can still hear that boy calling me a beached up whale. This is just one of the things that will take me a while to get over.

Anyway recently some one made me do something I didn't want to. They were drunk but this time it doesn't change that much for me. They made me uncomfortable and forced me into something I didn't want even after telling them to stop, pushing them away and turning around. I couldn't say no...I couldn't stop what was happening to me. I could leave the room even though it was just the two of us. I was used again. This time by someone I have to see more often than I'd like. Tonight, for me, is a very bad night. My skin is crawling and my eyes brimming with tears. I don't want to let this experience get the better of me but here I am. It's getting harder to keep my grip on reality, to keep believing in humanity. One of the people I trust most in this world just said something really sweet and wonderful but because of this...right now I can't trust them. It's killing me inside. I'm losing who I am right now.

I know that I'll get through this though because I won't let them win, I won't let this drag me back down into depression. I'm going to get through this. It will take a long time, and patience from the people who put up with me daily. I don't like losing, so I won't. Experiences can be either good or bad. I'll try focus on the good next time I tell you about my life. I just needed to get this off my chest. Sorry for my ramble.

The Straight Talker

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears
And so you fight to keep from pouring out
But what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul
Do you think that there's enough that you would drown?

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

No one can tell you where you alone must go
There's no telling what you will find there
And, God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones
Screaming every step, "Just stay here"
If no one will listen
If you decide to speak

If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

If you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down
If your legs have given out under the weight
If you find you've been settling for a world of gray
So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one's left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still
I will be here still
Remember that no matter how bad the day, there is always gonna be someone there for you. If you can't think of anyone off hand, then I promise that I'LL be there for you.
Keep shining and keep smiling. And remember to be the change you want to see in the world.
Today, I'm going to be... Sunshine (:
Peace out, Er-Bear Rawrr x 

MUN and Japan

I've missed another update and I'm going to count this as tomorrow's post so that means I owe another €2 to charity. Japan would probably seem to be the most obvious place to donate the money to. As I posted before I was away at an MUN conference for the weekend. It was really strange leaving Ireland with everything being fine. However when we arrived at the hotel sky news informed us of the Japanese earthquake. It was shocking the rate at which things changed after that. At first the death tole was 34 from the earthquake and around 100 reported missing after the tsunami first hit. The main footage they showed was of the oil refinery fire.

The next morning before heading out the were going to release the nuclear steam. We were in the taxi for about 10 minutes and when we arrived at the school we were greeted by the news of the first explosion at the plant. The news kept unfolding as such.

It's horrifying to think what is happening to all those families. I know someone who lives in Japan. I haven't talked to her in 6 years but for some reason that doesn't make me worry any less. Her name is Ana and I went to school with her when I lived in England. She moved back over to Japan just before I moved back over here. I will worry about all the families and everyone who has lost someone. I should be thankful that it's not my family but for some reason I'm not. Just because I didn't lose a brother, a mother, a sister, a father, a friend, doesn't mean that someone out there isn't hurting. I know it's inevitable that we all die but I still grieve for those who have gone.

I know it's strange that I'm this shocked and upset over something that doesn't effect me personally but, to be honest, I've always been like this. I can't make it all better, which is slightly disappointing. What I can do is raise all the money I can to help the people in Japan. In Ireland we are lucky to be in one of the safest places for earthquakes. We don't have to worry. This doesn't take away from the fact that there are people out there suffering just because of plates moving, something we can't control.

I have so much more I'd like to tell you after the ever eye opening experience of MUN but now is not the time and this post grows so very long. I'll leave this post alone now.

The Straight Talker

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Going away

Well I'm off to Edinburgh in a few hours. Yes it's exciting, I'm going with school to an MUN conference. MUN is Model United Nations. I'm on the Environment committee this time. For the first time in all the 8 conferences I've been to I finally wrote a resolution. I'm not sure how things will go and I'm so nervous I'm slightly dizzy. I love MUN because the topics are so fascinating and it really helps get teenagers involved and interacting with the issues we will be forced to deal with in these years to come. Well I'm leaving the house at 3 so I have 4 hours to finish packing, write this and sleep if possible.

I'll write a longer post when I get back but I do have one thing left to mention, lent. For lent I have given up 3 separate things. So for each time I break lent I'm going to put 50 cent in the pot. Thing is I will break these, a lot, I already broke one today.

Well I must go finish packing now.
The Straight Talker

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


Well this morning I couldn't stand or bare another morning of talks on bullying. Every time the teacher tries to explain the different types of bullying I think back to when it happened to me. I can hear his voice in my head telling me that I'm a "beached up whale". I can feel them punching and slapping my arms to see the bruises minutes later. I remember the way they turned all my friends against me and made me a laughing stock at the same time. I remember the way he'd slap my ass till it was read raw and would grab my boobs. I remember him making comments to his friends about how I was easy and I was asking for it. I remember slapping him in the face twice and then apologising. I remember saying that I forgave him and them. I didn't really. I just said I did.

I can't let him know how he broke me. That he's the main reason I hate myself. That because of him I call you a liar. That it's hard to trust you. That I did what I did to cope. That I hate it when you call me beautiful or smart or amazing. I know he may not have done much but nearly 4 years on I still remember it like yesterday.

I'm not as strong or as happy as you think I am. I started this blog in mind of helping, maybe possibly changing something. Now that I think about it I doubt I can. I'm just one person trying to forget my past. Er-bear is amazing and certainly stronger than I am. Kobold1 is smarter and more realistic than I. So I'm just the dreamer so it seems my name is quite ironic.

Yet if I do get over this whole insecure self-hating thing you'll be some of the first to know. Till then, if you continue to read this that is, you'll put up with my rambling and maybe a few plans. I do have plans for this and they shall come in time.

As for now I owe €17 to some charity. Feel free to suggest one if you like, if not I'll chose one myself.

Talk spoon.
The Straight Talker

Monday, March 7, 2011

Friendship week

This week in my school is friendship week, it's to discourage bullying and to encourage an open, healthy environment. I'm the student council chair so I'm supposed to bring ideas of activities to the table, to help lead the students by example. To be honest it's pressure that I don't particularly want or need. Every morning for the first class we're having form time to discuss issues to do with bullying and how to deal with it. My only problem is it's bringing back all those words and bruises I left behind. Now I'm left cowering in memory of the way I was once treated, the way I was broken down. How am I supposed to lead a group of teenage girls towards a more caring life style when being perfectly honest, I have trust issues. Words can haunt people, leave them broken and beaten. Whether we give up or not is what matters though. I know this week is going to be hard for me but I have two or three people who will help get me through this.

On the upside we get to make friendship bracelets all week.

I'll have the total of how much I owe (must be close to €15) up on the next blog post.

The Straight Talker

Monday, January 24, 2011

Volunteering followed ramble

All right well my dear, few, readers I have to apologize for my bad behaviour in terms of posting this week. Currently I am even procrastinating at writing every word of this, even so that I am finishing this off over 24 hours since I started this. So I owed €8.50 for not posting on time so while I was volunteering to collect money for Teenage Cancer Trust Ireland I just decided to give them the money. Was actually pretty awesome, made a new friend and all. I'm not really sure where this blog post is going so I'm going to end it now before my brain melts from something or other that might be tiredness, not too sure all together. Anyways I must be off now, I do have a post planned for tomorrow...hope I finish it on time. Thank you all and goodnight.
The Straight Talker

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Bad Day

Well hello again ^^ I'm really awful at keeping these posts regular :S Anywho :WARNING!: this may sound like a rant but it has a point!
*Ahem* So today was a rather shitty day. I have depression and I'm not saying that I have any right to be more pissed off or upset than any one else but things do get to me rather easily. So, as I said, I had a rather craptacular day. Fine, whatever, it happens. I was dealing with it.. until my mam told me I was banned from going to see my friends until I went back to school.
Now normally I wouldn't have a problem with this but A: My friends are the only things keeping me sane (other than music) and B: It wasn't my fault I wasn't in school. I was supposed to have this meeting today but my dad couldn't take me.. anyway I'm getting slightly off point.

I took this kinda hard and went to my room, music full blast, wouldn't talk to even my best friend. I sat on my bedroom floor looking at a blade, debating whether I should cut or not. I've recently stopped self harming and this was the first time I'd really thought about going back there.
I put down the blade.

Instead, I did my hair and my make up.. and I put on a ballerina outfit and danced my little heart out. I danced until all 5ft 4 of me ached. When my sister walked in giggling at me, I looked her straight in the eyes and said "I bet you're jealous!" and I kept dancing.

Everyone has the power turn their own mood around, and it doesn't have to be in a destructive way. Draw a picture, listen to some music or just be down right childish and silly. Have a laugh with yourself! Be happy! Smile till your jaws feel like their going to fall off! Be yourself :)

And most of all.. be the change you want to see in the world. Today I'm going to be... A Ballerina :)

Peace out,
Er-Bear-Rawrr x

Monday, January 17, 2011

€7.50 in the pot

Well I missed all my planned posts for last week, so now my total is up to €7.50, still haven't decided what charity to donate it to. Urgh, decisions. Oh well, next Sunday I won't be able to post so I had better do post afore so. The reason I'll be missing Sunday is because I'm volunteering to collect money for the Teenage Cancer Trust. Might write a post on the whole experience, might also give them the money I owe. All right well this isn't really much of a post as I have forms to fill out before I can volunteer, I have plans to make, letters to silly government ministers to write - might be better off waiting till the change before I do that- and money to put to aside for when I chose a charity.

On the whole hair cutting and dying ordeal, I have received the fund-raising pack from the chosen charity. I have also been talking to both my Principal and the vice even though this won't be happening till Easter. I might write a piece on it all quite soon, hopefully next week, might be next Monday before I get around to it. Oh well, I have to go sleep now so maybe I can form coherent sentences tomorrow, though I do doubt that will happen.
The Straight Talker

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Can you take me seriously?

So I have until my parents get back from their walk to write this post. Not too sure what it'll be about but I'm sure I'll figure that out as I go along. Yesterday was quite interesting, it was the first time I had coffee and liked it, first time a girl I know gave me a proper compliment rather than one of those back-handed ones that can be taken two ways. It was also the day I decided to look back at what has changed my mind when I used to get suicidal, I'm not saying I don't any more but the thoughts are very rare and only fleeting now rather than the ominous cloud they used to be. I did realise, looking back, that it was always the people I was leaving behind who stopped me. It wasn't just my family I was leaving but the friend who cuts, the paranoid one, the depressed one, the one who just needs someone to listen, the one who may be a bitch but I still love any way, all the people I used to know but no longer talk to because I get embarrassed and all the people I'm yet to meet. Everyone of those people is worth living for. I may not know you, or talk to you, but you're worth living for to me. I may be living my life for other people but I call that living for me, even if I was JUST living for me, you'd all make it worth while. You're worth living for, you're worth waiting for, you're worth saving.

God I probably sound incredibly ridiculous and you won't take me seriously but I'm telling the truth. I haven't lied to yet so why should I start now? You may not know that I haven't lied to you but does it seem like I have? At some point, more than likely, I will start saying 'you know me'. Thing is at this stage we both have about the same level of knowing who I am. Can't you tell what fun this is going to be? The only thing I really know is that this is one of the things I want to keep doing. I think tomorrow, after spending my first day back at school, I'll write a list. This list will contain things I want to do, like donate my hair, or write a letter to an old friend, or make some one's day, or even what job I want. I'll put the list up here even though it will probably be very mundane. I'll explain a few of them because I'm sure they won't all make sense, like how I want to carry around lots of change with me all the time.

I do have a few more things I could ramble on about but I think this is long enough for today.
The Straight Talker

Friday, January 7, 2011

Hip, hop, bunny ears flop...

So for the last while I've been following this blog about infantile spasms and epilepsy awareness called Marissa's Bunny. Now before stumbling across this blog I had no idea that such a condition existed, let alone how hard the families were effected. I'm on the other side of the world from the little girl that this is being written about but I still find I want to do what I can to help. They have recently started a foundation to help out other families where insurance companies fail. I plan, that once I have some money, to donate or maybe to buy something for Marissa off her wishlist. When it comes to donating for every $1000 they receive $27,500 is being matched by the father's employer. All the money that goes into the foundation is used for other families and not for Marissa, this is why I would also like to buy her something off the wishlist.

Problem is I'm only a 16 year old girl with out a job meaning that I can't do as much as I like. It also seems like I'm probably complaining a lot, if so I am sorry, it's just reading this story has done something to me. One might argue that every story I read touches me and I wish I could help everyone. I do know that it would be impossible for me to do so. Maybe for now I'll just set my sights on helping get this foundation off the ground and maybe giving something back to the family. The website for the blog is I really wish I could help but currently I am broke but I shall keep you informed, and maybe even buy a Fairfax bunny. We'll see what happens but I know they're doing well, I know I'm most defiantly not the first person that has been touched by their story, I'm also I won't be the last either. I wish them the best of luck and my thoughts are with them.

On a separate note it seems that Kolbold1 is a little irritated at me for calling him a cynic, but in honesty it's one of the reasons I'm most glad he offered to help. He's one of the people I'm closest too, he knows how easily distracted I get and how hard I find it to commit to things. He also knows how long I've wanted to do something like this. He does however exagerate a little, I do not do that much and I owe more, I can do more. Himself and Er-Bear-Rawr have been so supportive of me doing this. It makes me wonder what I'd do with out them. I know I certainly wouldn't be sitting here writing this post nor would I have started this blog. So thank you because you've given me so much hope.
The Straight Talker

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Kobold1 appears

So apparently I have to introduce myself. Being described as I have been, I of course don't believe this blog will succeed or even last very long, but hey I'll help if it does. At the risk of breaking character I feel I need to praise the straight talker. She does a lot more than she gives herself credit for. I've never seen her happily walk by someone asking for help without donating something. So I hope this goes well for her and keeps her motivated. I'm just here to write the occasional blog. So, a little bit about myself. I recently shaved about three inches of hair of my head for charity and subsequently gave myself a headcold. Would have gone more extreme but apparently its dangerous to wax your scalp.

Anyway I hope this blog is legible and coherent. I am currently on my 25th hour awake and crashing heavily from a large amount of energy drink.
Em...good luck with all your endeavours?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Well this is long over due...

Okay so it's 3 days in to the new year by the time I've gotten around to starting a new post, I obviously need to sort out my priorities better. So one of my plans is that for every post that I miss in a week I'll donate money to charity. So like I said I plan on updating 3 times a week, Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays most likely. For now each of those 3 posts I miss I'll donate €1 so I currently owe €6 I think? Not sure what charity yet, any suggestions are welcome. Some days I weeks I might not able to update if I'm going on a conference or such, I'll mention these before hand and I'll still try post or make up for them before or in the week following. So basically that's it, if after a while I find I'm still not updating as often as I'll increase the amount I'll donate for each post I miss. Whatever happens I'll still try my best at least. That's about it for now, I'll try update tomorrow, or get Kobold to.
The Straight Talker